Firearms Training

Gunman Shoots Off His Testicles After Committing Crime

A man in Portland, OR. accidentally shot off his own testicles while fleeing the scene of a robbery. FROM UNCLE SAM’S MISGUIDED CHILDREN Posted by James Charles

A Criminal’s Unfortunate Mistake

Portland, Oregon — A 40 year-old man, or former man, named Joseph Johnson accidentally shot off his own testicles while he was fleeing the scene of a crime. The culprit was committing a shooting in downtown Portland, and as he hastily fled the scene he holstered the gun in his pants, inadvertently firing the gun resulting in self-castration. This was not before he gave his victim, 32 year-old Jordan Merrell, a leg-wound. Of course we heavily sympathize with the victim, but compared to castration by gun a leg-wound sounds like a little slice of Heaven.

According to local police and eyewitness testimonies, the gunman and the victim knew each other very well and lived in the same apartment building. The conflict took place in a parking lot behind the building, which is where the gunman allegedly confronted the victim, demanded he hand over his property, and shot him in the leg. Police spokesman Sergeant Pete Simpson is on record as saying that “the suspect’s wound is consistent with somebody putting a gun in his pants.”

The Facts and Eyewitness Accounts

Local police managed to reel in an eyewitness account of the incident. A journalist for The Oregonian wrote the testimony of one:

“Josh Howell, a 42 year-old resident of the same apartment building, said he heard two loud noises but wasn’t sure what they were. Howell left the building to investigate, and said the 40 year-old man walked by and told him to call an ambulance because he had been shot. The suspect then went inside the building, Howell said. [He also] said he saw another man getting up off the ground in the parking lot. That man staggered off with a woman toward Safeway, said Howell, who then ran inside.”

The journalist then went on to report:

“Police with shields and assault rifles descended upon the apartment building and began canvassing the area. Police later found the wounded suspect on Southwest Sixth Avenue and Mill Street. [Sergeant] Simpson said the suspect may have slipped out the window of his apartment.”

Both the gunman and the victim were immediately rushed to the hospital, and both were treated and left the hospital in good condition — or at least as “good” one’s condition can be after having been castrated. After treatment the alleged criminal was booked and imprisoned in the Multnomah County Jail facing charges of first-degree robbery, second-degree assault and felon in possession of a firearm.

The hospital’s success in mending the damage done to the alleged gunman remains unreported. Nonetheless, it seems a human being can finally describe to his peers what it is really like to “get fixed.” Maybe when we found out we’ll be more hesitant to do it to our pets.